You’ve probably heard the infamous phrase “it’s not what you know, it’s WHO you know” – the phrase is true to some extent. In the extreme case, you have the incompetent and under-qualified son or daughter that takes over the family business. More commonly, someone who is likable or able to communicate a connection between themselves and the decision maker is able to land jobs or clients despite competing with others who have stronger qualifications.

Finding a connection such as attending the same school, growing up in the same small town or having a similar hobby is an easy way to create instant rapport. Equally as helpful is having a personal connection such as a family relationship or mutual friend or associate. Sometimes, we don’t have these connections but there’s something else that can tip the odds in our favor: likability.

Whether you’re in sales, own a business or are looking for a job, it’s important to be likable. No one wants to do business with a jerk. Even when money is the highest priority, people may put up with bad behavior initially, but eventually get fed up. I’ve taken my business elsewhere (even if it cost me more) on several occasions because I’ve felt I wasn’t treated with respect. I know others who have taken lower paying jobs to get away from the proverbial “boss from hell.” Companies and sports teams alike have brought in superstars, overlooking their bad attitudes, and it has ruined their teams.

Getting others to like us is a challenge that we face from the first day we attend school. We want to be popular, have friends, and as we get older, get dates. This is a game that few us master until the rules change when we enter adulthood. Bullying and backstabbing your way into popularity becomes more difficult – the easier route is being nice to others.

Here are some ways to become more likable:

Take a genuine interest in other people. Don’t be a stalker, just honestly care about what they have to say.

Listen without interrupting. Let them finish the story without chiming in about something you think will impress them.

Respect others’ wishes and opinions. Everyone has the right to their own opinions so respect that right.

Don’t belittle others’ problems. It’s not fair to judge someone’s situation if you haven’t been there yourself.

Notice and recognize the accomplishments and successes of others. People love to be recognized for their efforts so make them feel special when they’ve accomplished something.

Thank people when they help you. Everyone likes to be appreciated and appreciation is something we often forget to give others.

Make others feel special and important. We’re all special in our unique way and we tend to like those that treat us that way. It’s very easy to point out something special about our friends, family and coworkers, but so few of us take the time to do so.

It’s important to be honest and sincere when you do these things. People can tell when you’re faking flattery so you’re better off not saying anything at all instead of being fake. So whether you have that inside connection or have to create a bond, making yourself more likable will help you get results.

Post from: Overnight Sensation

How to Be Liked

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I have a confession to make: I’ve spent the majority of my life being shy. When I was a kid having to meet new people – adults especially, but even kids – was a challenge for me. I grew out of it in high school and college but then when it was time for me to hit the workforce, it came back.

I finally addressed it the way I dealt with my fear of public speaking – I tossed myself into situations where I had no choice but to introduce myself to people. Shortly after I graduated from college, I attended a job fair. Okay, “attended” might not be the appropriate word. I walked in the door and gave some resumes to the person that was handling sign-ins. And I went into the crowded room where there were all these tables set up – but I didn’t talk to anyone. I just walked out because I had no idea what to do. Pretty pathetic, huh?

Flash forward five years and there I was looking for work again. I found myself in a position where I had to put my money where my mouth was. My Toastmasters club (which I was the President of) had just voted to do something extremely controversial (in the club’s mind that is) and join our local chamber of commerce. As the club’s President, I had to attend a “Business after hours” networking event so I could promote the club – the primary reason why we joined. So there I was walking into the room completely scared.

I had set a goal to last at least 30 minutes and introduce myself to at least three new people. And while it was tough, I met (actually, exceeded) both of my goals. That first introduction was a little tough, but it was the hardest of the night. I actually took advice from Larry King and was honest with people. I told people that I was new to networking and not sure what to do at these types of events. And surprisingly, people helped me. Yes, I made some mistakes but overall the event was a success.

I eventually went on to become an Ambassador for the chamber so it was my job to help people mingle. It was my way of forcing myself to do something I was uncomfortable with (just like I gave speeches as much as possible at Toastmasters).

Shyness itself can be caused by a lot of things such as lack of confidence, fear of rejection or fear of failure. So if find yourself a bit shy don’t worry, there are things you can do about it. The best thing you can do is ease your way outside of your comfort zone so you can have small successes to build your confidence. I actually have a ten step process for doing this that I teach in my networking class that eases people into introductions. The gist of it is to take baby steps, each one building on the one before it. Social media is also another avenue for dealing with shyness because you can hide behind an avatar or username. And services like Twitter make it easy to connect with people and jump into conversations.

So if you feel you’re too shy, don’t worry. You’re in good company and you can overcome it. Just take a few steps, no matter how small. The fact that you’re pushing your comfort zone is what matters most.

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On Being Shy

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If you’ve even been in a public place (such as a restaurant, movie theater or mall) around teenagers and you’re older than twenty-five, you’ve probably noticed that they can get quite obnoxious. I was reminded of this over the weekend when I went out to see a movie that a couple dozen teens were also interested in – and it made me appreciate and see the value in the premium theater that doesn’t allow people under 21. While I was once an obnoxious teenager myself (and it wasn’t that long ago), I remember my peers and I having at least some respect for our elders, whether they were strangers or our parents.

Part of the problems with kids today isn’t with the kids themselves, but with their parents. Today’s demanding lifestyle often requires both parents to work (and sometimes longer hours) to provide their kids with the good things in life. Combine that with today’s “me first” attitude where many parents prefer to use their non-work time for leisure activities without the family rather than having to deal with the issues at home and you can see why kids today are so different.

Many parents feel guilty about the fact they are unable to spend the time they’d like to with their kids so they compensate in other ways. They buy their kids things like iPhones (even though they are only eight years old), American Girl dolls (which cost well over $100) and other things to show their love. And that’s their prerogative and I respect that. But where I have a problem is when parents let their kids do things that set a dangerous precedence.

Recently, I’ve read some articles about parents allowing their teenage children to have parties at their homes and purchasing the alcohol for them. The reasoning is that at least they’re drinking where they can be watched. There are also some parents that buy their children birth control – they figure that since they’re going to do it anyway, they might as well be protected. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t matter what trampy singers are dominating the airways or what garbage Hollywood is pumping out – the blame here goes with the parents and no one else.

Parents need to remember that they are supposed to be an authority figure and teach their kids right from wrong. They are not their kids’ friends and it’s not their job to be cool. It’s their job to prevent their kids from doing dumb things.

When parents allow their kids to do things like this, they are not only harming the kids, but their also harming themselves as well as other parents. If a seventeen year-old kid is allowed to have some friends over to share case of beer while they listen to music, what is the lesson here? Is it not possible to have fun without alcohol? Do laws really matter and do we need to abide by them? What about the kid’s fifteen year-old brother – what is he learning from this situation? Of course, I wonder what happens when the kid asks if he could try pot, cocaine or other drugs. Or would he just go somewhere else where he can try it since his parents won’t allow it?

Kids need parents for a reason. Otherwise, we would have all lived off of candy, never gone to school and watched TV all day – a modern day “Lord of the Flies.” When parents simply give in, they seem weak and their kids never respect their opinions. Yes, they “like” their parents – but remember how quickly friendships dissolve at that age over the silliest of disagreements? When the parents finally decide to stand up and say “no” the kid doesn’t care about their opinion and will find a way to do what he or she wants to.

Of course, other parents in the community suffer as well. The “uncool” parents that won’t let their kids trash their house look like bad guys in their own kids’ eyes. They hear things like “I wish you were cool like Tommy’s parents” and “I can’t wait until I turn 18 and can do whatever I want.” Of course, their kids eventually learn (although sometimes it’s takes them until they are parents themselves) that their parents were right in not allowing it, no matter how passionate they are with the idea. I remember my parents shooting down an idea of my cousin and I driving four hours to visit some girls we met on vacation. We were 15 & 16 and while the idea seemed great to us at the time and were angry about not being able to do it, we quickly got over it and soon realized it was a dumb thing to ask for. My parents (nor my aunt and uncle) had any intention of letting us do this for the sake of being cool and knew that they were the bosses – not us kids. Had one family given in, the other one would have suffered through some ugly dinner conversations for the next week.

So what can a parent do when faced with these challenges? The best thing is to sit down and have a respectful talk about it. “I know Tommy’s parents let him drink, but there’s a reason why you need to be 21 to buy alcohol…” or “I know you’ve been with your boyfriend for almost a year, but an intimate relationship comes with emotions that are tough to understand at your age…” work better than “we simply won’t allow it.” Ask him or her how they’d react if the roles were reversed and to really think about it. Ask questions like “so if we had a party and the police came and arrested you for buying alcohol for minors, do you think that would be fair?”

Even though you’re the authority figure, you need to be sensitive to the wants and needs of your kid when discussing these topics. Be firm, but be respectful. Let the kid state his or her case and really listen. While things may get ugly at times, you’ll eventually win the war.

Post from: Overnight Sensation

Parents Should Act Like Parents

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When you pass someone in the hallway in a familiar setting such as a college or office, it’s common courtesy to say “hi” to them. The same holds true when you enter a waiting area, elevator or other small area and there’s only one other person there. Sometimes, a question such as “how are you?” or “how’s going is asked?” and this is where it starts getting interesting.

When people make this kind of small talk, they often do it on auto pilot because the typical response they get is “good” and then they reply with “good.” So I recently tried an experiment. When someone passing me by or sharing an elevator with me would ask me how I was, I replied with “I’m dying” nonchalantly. Seven out of eight times, they said “good” or “cool” – they had no idea what I said – the other person asked “figuratively or literally?”.

Fortunately, I’m not sick or dying (at least not to my knowledge) but if I were, I would have felt even worse given these responses. It’s amazing how people:

1. Automatically ask questions.
2. Assume that they’ll get an expected answer.
3. Don’t listen to the answer.
4. Respond in a manner that can be considered dumb or insensitive.

In this busy world, we’ve got a million things on our minds and we’re constantly moving. We’re talking but not listening. We’re multitasking too hard. When I shared this with other people, I was told several stories where someone did say something such as “my sister died” and got “good” as the response – and her sister did really pass away.

So the lesson here is not only listen to what others are saying, but to process what you say before you say it. The secret of public speaking is thinking before you speak but you should apply it to everyday situations. Replying on autopilot can make you sound dumb or insensitive. So take the time to listen.

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I’m Dying

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