Have you ever been in a situation where someone is unexpectedly rude to you? Of course you have. And you know that rotten feeling that you get when it happens. You did nothing to provoke it, so why you? Should you be rude back? Is it worth a conflict? Sometimes it’s tempting to lash out in return, but that’s not always a good idea.

A wise older friend once shared with me after such an incident that most of the time when someone blows up at you for seemingly no reason, it’s almost always someone else (including themselves) that they’re mad at. We all handle stress differently. While I do my best to never take out my anger on someone who isn’t responsible, I’d be lying to you if I said I’ve never done that. We all try our best, but sometimes the moment gets the best of us.

I once remember hearing a story retold by Dr. Stephen Covey (author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) about a man sitting on train watching the way another man’s children were behaving. The kids were acting up and the man was just sitting there as if he were in another world. Finally, the observer asked the father if he were going to do something about his children. The man responded that his wife had just passed away and the behavior was the kids’ way of dealing with it. Now how’s that for changing your perspective?

Life is full of situations like this. Sometimes a coworker might not want to go out for lunch. You might think he’s anti-social or not a team player, but in reality he has a financial hardship and doesn’t want to spend the money. A friend may not tell you about a problem because she’s embarrassed about it, not because she doesn’t trust you.

While it seems like many people act in a random manner, their actions will actually start making more sense once you know what’s going on in their head. While our first instinct might be to fire back at someone or criticize them, you may regret doing so after finding out what caused the person to act like that. It’s like reading part of a quote without its full context. You may read “all people are evil” and think one thing, but then when you see it’s been preceded by “I’ve never believed that” it takes on a new, more positive meaning.

The lesson here is to think for a moment before judging someone. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. Instead, ask yourself why this person is acting that way. In some cases, they may have bad intentions so then you act accordingly. But in most cases, they need help and lashing out is their way of getting attention.

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This past week I came across an article about a man in Florida getting on a school bus to confront some kids that were bullying his daughter. He threatened the kids saying that he would kill anyone who picked on his daughter again and this got him arrested. Interestingly, the article asked the question of whether the father was a bully and paints him as some sort of wacko. While one can certainly argue that this wasn’t the best way to handle the situation, the article shows no empathy towards the father or the girl. And that is part of the reason why bullying is an increasing problem in today’s society.

The article doesn’t say much about the bullying although upon further research, it was reported that the harassment was both verbal and physical. The father is criticized as bulling the kids because he’s someone that could carry out his threats of harming the kids. However, the fact that he said he’d only harm those that harass his daughter seemed to have slipped the reporter’s mind.

As someone who has witnessed school bus bullying (and even was a victim of it), I’m appalled at the way this situation was reported. While kids need to learn to be strong, deal with criticism and learn the reality that there are people out there that want to harm them, bullying does severe (and often, permanent damage) to a victim’s self-esteem. It turns happy kids into recluses. It causes depression and in some cases, suicide (and even homicide).

Yes, the father in this case may have gone a little far and possibly traumatized the “innocent” kids on the bus that weren’t harassing his daughter. But it’s almost certain that those kids that he confronted will not pick on his daughter again – they’ll most likely move on to another victim whose parents will put up with it.

The story says that the father never reported the incident to the school. What it doesn’t say is whether he’s reported other incidents in the past or if others that he knew reported incidents and it didn’t stop the bullying. While the father could have stopped letting his daughter take the bus, if the bullying continued at school his daughter would still be tormented.

I don’t fault the father for taking action. I would have chosen my words differently, but not knowing the area and the kids involved, his words may have been most effective. I agree with most of the people that commented on the article that the father did the right thing. We can’t leave it up to the schools alone to stop bullying. Teachers , bus drivers and other members of the school staff can only do so much – remember that they are outnumbered by kids somewhere in the range of between 20 and 30 to 1.

My question to those who think the father was wrong is simple. If your child is being physically or verbally harassed, do you really want to let continue for even one second or longer or do you want to step up and deal with it right away? Sometimes our anger gets the best of us and we say or do things we may later regret. But we have to remember who the biggest harm to society is – the kids that did the bullying. The father did his primary job – attempting to protect his daughter. It’s about time more parents step up and show bullies that they won’t tolerate them – regardless of the consequences they may face.

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If you’ve even been in a public place (such as a restaurant, movie theater or mall) around teenagers and you’re older than twenty-five, you’ve probably noticed that they can get quite obnoxious. I was reminded of this over the weekend when I went out to see a movie that a couple dozen teens were also interested in – and it made me appreciate and see the value in the premium theater that doesn’t allow people under 21. While I was once an obnoxious teenager myself (and it wasn’t that long ago), I remember my peers and I having at least some respect for our elders, whether they were strangers or our parents.

Part of the problems with kids today isn’t with the kids themselves, but with their parents. Today’s demanding lifestyle often requires both parents to work (and sometimes longer hours) to provide their kids with the good things in life. Combine that with today’s “me first” attitude where many parents prefer to use their non-work time for leisure activities without the family rather than having to deal with the issues at home and you can see why kids today are so different.

Many parents feel guilty about the fact they are unable to spend the time they’d like to with their kids so they compensate in other ways. They buy their kids things like iPhones (even though they are only eight years old), American Girl dolls (which cost well over $100) and other things to show their love. And that’s their prerogative and I respect that. But where I have a problem is when parents let their kids do things that set a dangerous precedence.

Recently, I’ve read some articles about parents allowing their teenage children to have parties at their homes and purchasing the alcohol for them. The reasoning is that at least they’re drinking where they can be watched. There are also some parents that buy their children birth control – they figure that since they’re going to do it anyway, they might as well be protected. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t matter what trampy singers are dominating the airways or what garbage Hollywood is pumping out – the blame here goes with the parents and no one else.

Parents need to remember that they are supposed to be an authority figure and teach their kids right from wrong. They are not their kids’ friends and it’s not their job to be cool. It’s their job to prevent their kids from doing dumb things.

When parents allow their kids to do things like this, they are not only harming the kids, but their also harming themselves as well as other parents. If a seventeen year-old kid is allowed to have some friends over to share case of beer while they listen to music, what is the lesson here? Is it not possible to have fun without alcohol? Do laws really matter and do we need to abide by them? What about the kid’s fifteen year-old brother – what is he learning from this situation? Of course, I wonder what happens when the kid asks if he could try pot, cocaine or other drugs. Or would he just go somewhere else where he can try it since his parents won’t allow it?

Kids need parents for a reason. Otherwise, we would have all lived off of candy, never gone to school and watched TV all day – a modern day “Lord of the Flies.” When parents simply give in, they seem weak and their kids never respect their opinions. Yes, they “like” their parents – but remember how quickly friendships dissolve at that age over the silliest of disagreements? When the parents finally decide to stand up and say “no” the kid doesn’t care about their opinion and will find a way to do what he or she wants to.

Of course, other parents in the community suffer as well. The “uncool” parents that won’t let their kids trash their house look like bad guys in their own kids’ eyes. They hear things like “I wish you were cool like Tommy’s parents” and “I can’t wait until I turn 18 and can do whatever I want.” Of course, their kids eventually learn (although sometimes it’s takes them until they are parents themselves) that their parents were right in not allowing it, no matter how passionate they are with the idea. I remember my parents shooting down an idea of my cousin and I driving four hours to visit some girls we met on vacation. We were 15 & 16 and while the idea seemed great to us at the time and were angry about not being able to do it, we quickly got over it and soon realized it was a dumb thing to ask for. My parents (nor my aunt and uncle) had any intention of letting us do this for the sake of being cool and knew that they were the bosses – not us kids. Had one family given in, the other one would have suffered through some ugly dinner conversations for the next week.

So what can a parent do when faced with these challenges? The best thing is to sit down and have a respectful talk about it. “I know Tommy’s parents let him drink, but there’s a reason why you need to be 21 to buy alcohol…” or “I know you’ve been with your boyfriend for almost a year, but an intimate relationship comes with emotions that are tough to understand at your age…” work better than “we simply won’t allow it.” Ask him or her how they’d react if the roles were reversed and to really think about it. Ask questions like “so if we had a party and the police came and arrested you for buying alcohol for minors, do you think that would be fair?”

Even though you’re the authority figure, you need to be sensitive to the wants and needs of your kid when discussing these topics. Be firm, but be respectful. Let the kid state his or her case and really listen. While things may get ugly at times, you’ll eventually win the war.

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I’ve had a number of people talk to me about bullying over the last few days. Many have asked for recommendations for materials such as books and films while others have asked for advice. Some are having problem as adults such as cyberstalking or bullying in the workplace, but unfortunately many are having issues where their child is being bullied.

When a child is continuously bullied it affects them for the rest of their lives. In most cases, they keep to themselves as adults, have low self-esteem and struggle in social situations. In some cases, it bubbles up resulting in violence -- either against the tormentors, themselves or even unfortunate bystanders. Bullying is a serious problem and needs to addressed at the first sign of it.

How to tell your child is bullied:

Every child is different so they all react in their own way, but one clear indicator is a sudden change in mood or attitude. Some examples:

• A child that typically likes an activity like school or sports suddenly doesn’t want to participate.
• A normally outgoing child is suddenly keeping to him/ herself.
• An affectionate child is suddenly avoiding physical contact.
• A child suddenly wants to always be alone or stay around the house.
• A child is pretending to be sick.
• A child suddenly wants to make a big change such as move.

Now these changes in behavior could also mean a variety of other things, so don’t panic right away. A child might want to avoid school because he or she hasn’t completed homework or studied for a test. Or a child that wants to move may simply be attracted to a new destination. Also, problems with relationships such as an argument with a friend or that special someone dating someone else can evoke many of these behaviors.

Keep in mind that if a child is being bullied, he or she may have a hard time talking about it. Most victims of bullying feel ashamed and bulling and fear that talking about it will only intensify these painful feelings. You’re better off asking leading questions that will get them to open up. Some examples are:

• How did you like school today? (note the difference between this and “how was school?”)
• Would you like to invite some friends over for dinner / a movie / to play games /etc.?
• What did you learn at school today?
• We should start thinking about your birthday party (or other event). Who would you like to invite?
• We need to start thinking about what to do over the next school vacation. Do you have any ideas?

These questions bring up the topic of school, friends and activities without being direct. By slipping in questions about how the child is feeling (like a behavioral job interview) , you can dig for more information.

When your child is bullied:

It’s up to you as a parent or guardian to decide how to deal with the situation but keep in mind that your child’s well being is your number one priority. And depending on the severity of the situation it may require conversations with a teacher, school administrator, business/program director (if it happens in an activity outside of school), the parents of the bully, the police or even a lawyer. Many parents are reluctant to take serious action as they fear what others in the community might think (another form of bullying) but by doing so, they’re simply prolonging the suffering of their children.

If the issue is at school, the teacher is a good starting point unless he or she is doing the bullying (which happens quite often). Sometimes the teacher is aware of the situation but these days try to stay out of it due to fear of litigation. So it’s also a good idea to get the school principal or a guidance counselor (probably your strongest advocate) involved as well.

I’m not in a position to provide legal advice, but I do recommend getting someone who can provide this advice involved if you’re not satisfied with the results. The teacher/administrator should create a plan of action for dealing with the issue. At the very least, they should limit contact between your child and the bully and make sure all contact that is made is in the presence of an adult. If the bullying is severe, you may want to ensure that some punishment is given to the bully and in some cases, insist that the bully get expelled if other kids are affected. When physical violence is involved, you should seek both legal and law enforcement help.

Outside of school:

As a kid, I ran into bullies more frequently outside of school than in school. Although many schools have inadequate controls in place to prevent bullying, at least they have something in place. It’s outside of school where things can get tricky. This includes after school activities, playgrounds, malls, movie theaters, restaurants or any establishment where young people congregate outside of school. When I was in third grade, I used to walk by a church on the way home from school which had a front yard that hosted at least one fist fight per week. This is more common in inner-city situations than in the suburbs.

But I’ve also seen kids harassing each other in parking lots, movie theaters, malls and playgrounds out in the suburbs. I grew up in a city abutting Boston and was physically attacked by other kids walking down the street and even on my own front porch (fortunately they were minor scuffles that I got the best of). The key here is to make sure that your kids are at places where there is some adult supervision and protection -- the complete opposite of where your kids (and their friends) want to go. But as you can see, sometimes your own piece of property offers little protection when you turn your back for a few minutes.

If you pay for an activity that’s at a place where kids hang out -- in my day, the bowling alley is a good example -- and your kid is being bullied, you need to speak with the person in charge. I remember when I was in a bowling league -- the bowling alley was a popular hangout for older kids that needed a place to smoke and act like jerks. They’d hang out in the arcade area near the vending machines and I’d frequently have words with them despite that my mom was literally thirty feet away and within view. We finally got these kids banned from the bowling alley when a number of parents spoke to the manager and said that they’d take their business elsewhere -- the manager knew that 15 kids at $10 per week meant more profit than three kids that poured a couple bucks into arcade machines.

You can’t always be with your children and even if you’re there, there’s no guarantee that you’ll be an effective deterrent to the bully -- and in this age of litigation, you can’t get physically involved. But that’s where law enforcement comes in. Your best bet is to talk with the officer in charge of programs for kids as he or she can explain your rights and offer assistance which is especially helpful when the bullying occurs in a public place.

Should you fight back?

I am a big proponent of fighting fire with fire when it comes to bullies. Yes, the bully probably has a tragic story and/or parents that don’t care and faced challenges throughout his or her tough life, but that doesn’t give him or her the right to inflict their pain on others. I know a lot of people want to find a peaceful solution to the problem but in many cases, taking the high road makes things worse. Kids that sit there and take it become targets for further bullying and lose their self-esteem -- I know because I took the high road many times and almost always regretted it. I learned that by watching what I did and said and not making a scene, that some potential bullies found other targets that would give them the reaction they craved.

But not all bullies work that way. There’s an entire episode of the Brady Bunch dedicated to this exact topic. A bully bothers the youngest girl, her older brother stands up for her and get’s a black eye, the parents attempt to talk “reason” into the bully’s parents to avail and then finally the bully gets knocked out. In my own life, I remember one kid who had been abusing me verbally for weeks on the school bus that finally put me over the edge. After I gave him a black eye he never bothered me again. I think the best example is this scene from the classic film “A Christmas Story” (the only clip I could find has WWE music dubbed in):

Now there’s more to fighting back than physical violence -- although I can promise you that the bully in this video clip lost all of his clout and probably never bothered anyone else again. There is a very serious lesson from this video and that is that the anger can build up over time. Some argue that many of the school shootings in the last fifteen years were a result of victims of bullying having enough and snapping like the boy in the video.

I think the ideal approach from the movies comes from “The Karate Kid.” The main character is bullied by a group of karate students, tries to work out a peaceful solution and then fights his primary antagonist in a controlled environment (a karate tournament) where he earns the respect of the bullies. Real life doesn’t quite work this way so I recommend the following course of action:

1. Talk with the parent or guardian of the bully (and include school administrators if it happens on school grounds).
   Don’t accept comprise. If your child is truly an innocent victim, he or she should have any more punishment inflicted on him or her.
2. If you’re not satisfied with the results from the discussion, keep having discussions until it’s either resolved or it looks like the talks are going nowhere.
3. If the behavior doesn’t cease, contact a lawyer (many specialize in these issues) and if the violence is physical, contact local law enforcement.

In the mean time, I highly recommend getting your child involved in activities that build self-esteem such as sports and martial arts. When people think of martial arts, they think it means teaching kids how to fight (which is why many people now refer to it as “self defense”). When I took karate as a youngster, the first lesson we learned is that karate is for defense only. Learning how to fight has the added advantage of helpings kids when they’re attacked, but it also builds confidence which can sometimes be enough to make bullies find another victim.

The worst thing you can do is allow yourself or your child to be bullied. There are numerous books and videos produced by law enforcement officers from all over the world and most of this information is available for free online. You can find a lot of this material by using the search box on this page.

Just remember that the scars of bullying can stay with us for life.

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